Becoming More of You
How do we move towards authenticity?
Hey friends :)
This week I’m contemplating the idea of becoming.
Becoming more of who I am, with every moment of reflection. With every moment I allow myself to feel. With every moment of slowing down to listen.
The truth is that being fully myself wasn’t always safe.
So becoming more of me means finding deeper layers of safety to do so.
And my body is telling me we are ready to go for the things we truly long for.
The nature of the nervous system is truly exquisite.
It learns to take care of us in the best ways it can, from day 1.
It is equipped with all these different functions and responses that are designed to not only protect us and help us survive, but also to exist in our authenticity.
In fact, our core and deepest survival strategy is to be ourselves. Isn’t that marvellous?
There is nothing more important and self-evident for us as babies than to express ourselves exactly as we are.
To have our needs met and interests known.
And to become connected to other people via them.
Something interesting happens when the right conditions for our authenticity to be expressed are missing.
Authenticity for a small child is only possible in the context of unconditional connection, care and presence from the caregivers.
If that is missing, then the system reorients towards making sure the child stays connected at the expense of their authentic needs, as their literal survival depends on it.
So in this sense, the strategy shifts from authenticity to self-protection.
Gabor Mate talks about this inner conflict that appears very early on in people, where authenticity becomes sacrificed for the need for connection and belonging.
In contexts where authenticity and connection cannot coexists harmoniously, the need for connection will always be prioritised because small humans depend on big humans for survival.
So where does this leave us, as adults?
Simplistically put, the patterns of protection and security that our nervous system learnt early on in order to keep us alive will be the same ones that will govern the ways we attach to people and respond to our environment as adults.
Of course, this is not a black and white type of situation and there are exceptions depending on our individual sensitivities, predispositions and complex inner and outer circumstances.
However, if you find yourself at a place in your life where you know and feel in your bones that there is more for you…
and by more I don’t just mean more material things, although that can be in and of itself a reflection of the potential you want to step into…
but more depth, more connection, more intentionality, more aliveness, more purposeful living, more authentic expression…
Then I’d say that your nervous system does not think yet that those things are safe.
So how do we do this thing of becoming more of we are?
We do it by showing our system that now it is safe to be ourselves.
One small step at a time.
One difficult conversation at a time.
One vulnerable share at a time.
One hand on heart at a time, signalling you are safe.
Holding one small boundary at a time.
Moving towards a painful emotion one breath at a time.
Seeking support and normalising our experience.
Expanding our capacity to hold the complexity of our emotional needs.
Cultivating enough inner resources so that our body becomes a safe place to exist in.
Becoming the adult that our inner child never had.
And by doing so, learning that authenticity and connection are not exclusive.
Moving towards authenticity might take everything you have to give.
It might bring you at crossroads and ask of you to define your values and the way you want to live.
It might make you choose your pain and your difficulty, as there is no question that there will be pain and difficulty.
It might crack you open and dissolve every bit of a stable sense of identity you might have created.
But you know what the best part it?
That now, you can choose.
You can move towards what once felt terrifying.
You can teach your nervous system that authenticity is safe.
That connection is also safe.
That there is no wrong decision or wrong step.
That this life is for you to create and experience exactly as you want to.
And we do all of this by learning to co-create with the wisdom of our nervous systems.
🌹What is in the way of your authentic expression exactly as you want it?
🌹And what is one small step you can take today to soften that block?
I’d love to hear in the comments ♡
I love this so much and it totally reflects my experience over the last 6 years. Understanding that the patterns I've had were essential to survival (as a child) has helped me to let go of blame and be grateful to my inner critic. That critic worked so hard my entire life and now she can rest as my Self grows in strength and clarity. Such a difficult and painful process, but at 67 I feel more myself than I've ever done 🙂 Karen
I’ve been pondering and writing about this idea of becoming more you for about a year and a half. I love it.
Being and becoming are wonderful, but becoming who you already are, and even more so is what we all need to do